Tommy

     Well, I might as well divulge my most embarrassing moment now, its not like anyone is reading this anyway. His name was Tommy. I had known him for a long time, we grew up in the same place. After I broke up with Jimmy I looked him up. I had always kinda thought he was cute and he seemed a little more interesting than everything else available at that moment. I will mention that he and Jimmy were friends. Well, "friends". I dated Jimmy three years and they never hung out, never talked to each other but they attended elementary school together and apparently that has given them an unspeakable, unbreakable bond. I think its stupid but, it is no longer any of my business. Tommy and I met up for some drinks and ended up at his super secret special place in a local park (aka the dock on a pond with a decent view that he takes every girl to). I even knew then that it wasn't a special thing that he took me there, I did know better but I didn't care. Those of you who know anything about the way men and women interact know where this story is going. Yes, one thing led to another and I made the mistake that worldly women such as myself make at least once in a lifetime, I slept with him on the first date. I had never done anything even remotely like that before (and still haven't), it was just nice to vacate myself and enjoy my rebound. But let's just say, it wasn't great. I didn't know much about anything back then but I knew that it was supposed to be better than it was. In spite of this big giant red flag from the universe, I decided to see him again. I think we hung out a couple more times and then wouldn't you know it, as these things happen, we ended up at my apartment. I'll spare you, my non-existent blogoshpere audience, the gory details but my relationship with Tommy ends with these words,
                                   "I just don't have it in me..."
That was a pretty big hit to the old ego. I was going to give him one more shot to see if maybe the first time was just a fluke and here he was turning me down. Needless to say, this is the point at which I ceased participation in our little would be trist. We talked for a few hours and he left my apartment, never to be heard from again. I was glad for this fact, after hearing those seven little deadly words I was so humiliated I never did want to see him again but the comment has stuck with me. I know he had an issue with me being Jimmy's ex, but I think I wanted him to grow a pair and get over it. Do something outside the box. In the end, literally and figuratively, he was simply incapable.
     Tommy is long gone and he would be long forgotten if it hadn't been for his comment on that not so fateful night. I just don't have it in me. I'm a pretty confident person and I've got a relatively healthy self-esteem but that one was rough. I'm single now, by choice, but still I wonder. Its so very cliche and girly to ask but sometimes I do, 'Is he out there?' Where's my Mr. Right. I'll admit that if I found him now I probably would avoid the whole thing because the last thing I want right now is to be married by thirty. However, in a few years that are going to go fast, I'll be sick of looking for him. Will I find him? Will I overlook him if I do? At 21 years old, its people like Tommy that make me wonder if I'll be alone forever.